Get IN the party.

What did we do all weekend?!?  That is the question as I survey my house on Monday mornings.  Our weekends seem to be a blur of a mess after all that.  There are piles & piles of laundry & dishes all around and the kids are asking to go to the pool because it's now summer and that's what they expect everyday I guess.  We had a weekend of nothing and everything.  There was nothing really ON our calendar but I think those are the weekends that fill my needy heart the most.  After a long church day, staying up unexpectedly last night talking with girlfriends till the wee hours of the morning left me a sleepy momma this morning, but it also made me a happy one.  Because in the midst of the chaos around me this morning I'm better off.  I'm better because of those around me who help me to grow, encourage me to step out in what I'm walking through and challenge me to see the important things IN life.

I've been hard on myself lately because as I try to grow my business I just don't have time to blog ABOUT the parties I do because I'm usually working on the next one.  And I know that's really the way to grow in what I do.  So I usually just throw out an instagram and hope people like what I do and pass it along.  I was telling Daniel last week while we were setting up a party... I just don't know how all these party bloggers do it... telling him all the crazy pictures I see and the set ups they do.  I went on to tell him how many of them are paid by companies to style or rather "stage" parties.  Meaning... it's not a real party.  It's a FAKE party set up to give you ideas of how to use the products.  All well-intended and a good idea really.  But again, it's not a REAL party.  They are paid & receive unlimited resources to create an imaginative party for you.  I'd rather be in on the REAL thing, wouldn't you?  The real mess of it all.  The real problems of having a party are hard to deal with.  You set up a party in the middle of the life happening around you.  It's not just a pretty dessert table, set up on a lonely wall with a beautiful backdrop that looks unachievable & untouchable.
At the graduation party I set up last week the first guests started arriving and no one was touching the milk & cookies table.  They were all just standing looking at it...  Finally I said to some of them- "GET IN THERE... EAT SOME COOKIES!  DRINK SOME MILK"  A few minutes later a guy came over with an almost empty mason jar of milk and said, "Man, I'm lactose intolerant but that was delicious!!!" I laughed and his wife rolled her eyes and ate another cookie.

See that's why I wanna be IN on the party.  I want to enjoy the time & ones around me.  Last night as the moms I was with were talking about the pressures of life and feeling the need to just "checkout" sometimes one of my wise friends said that recently she read a devotional reminding her that God's resources to us are unlimited.  His GRACE is unlimited to us.  She said she saw it as an ocean.  Many times we walk over and scoop up what we need for the day and walk through our day carrying it as it seeps through our tired fingers until in runs out.  It runs out.  Then we explode.  On our kids or our husbands or our already worn down house.  But what we should be doing is realizing there is an ocean to dip from constantly.  His unlimited resources.  So when I feel like I can't stay IN the party... I can't keep up.  I CAN keep dipping into HIS resources.

The New Normal

5 months later.  

It's been almost one year since the chaos & turmoil began.  In May last year was when our world was shaken with one sonogram, and that was just the beginning... So as I heard the pitter patter of little feet coming to my bed this morning I smiled.  Those pitter patters are hard to hear in the wee hours of the morning – or the middle of the night, but today they were a sweet sound. 

Last week I walked by the refrigerator and glanced over to see what appeared to be “normal.”  A calendar splattered with different colored sharpie scribblings of new things filling our life- Tball, ballet, church functions, friends' birthday celebrations, company in town, things of spring & happiness.  The business of life has resurfaced... and I’m ok with it.  As January approached I dreaded the normalcy of life.  After months of chaos the monotony of it all was daunting.  I both longed for and feared the days of taking Ryder to school, going to the Y, going to Target & Chickfila and MOMs club.  How I would function in all the regular life situations after what we’d gone through was confusing.  How would I carry on without that extra little one that was supposed to be strapped to me in a baby bjorn?  But life has carried on.  Things have resumed and gotten easier. 

Last week when I picked Ryder up from the Y, he screamed that he'd left the picture he'd drawn (I thought to myself, great, another colored picture to carry home and put somewhere).   As they handed it to me tears filled my eyes... 

If you could see the pictures Ryder colored in the fall and winter you'd understand my ridiculous joy.  I don't even have one to show because I discretely discarded of them hoping they wouldn't look like that forever.  They were dark, angry lines that you can only make a crayon do with strong (angry) force.  Every picture was a dark black or blue and none in the lines, and none 'pretty.'  So this colorful happy pictures was so much more than a silly car that day.

In an effort of "newness" as I would call it I've been on a quest to paint.  Furniture, walls... whatever.  My dad texted me this morning and said, "The kids better not sit still or you may paint them too."  It's true.  So after a week of getting to know the man at Benjamin-Moore, this weekend my sweet, long-suffering husband repainted the house.  I needed fresh, clean, comforting colors.  And he did that for me- knowing full well it wouldn't fix my problems, but maybe ease the day to day pain along the way.   

Thank you Jesus for plucking us out of darkness... and into color.  For calling us, "Out upon the waters... where grace abounds... and faith will stand.  Letting my soul rest in Your embrace..."

So on this seemingly random Monday morning I find myself dancing around the {completely disastrous} house with Paisley to the blaring sounds of the new Justin Timberlake album. :)  Before I could imagine I am genuinely happy again.  And not feeling guilty for it.

I can still feel the “Tug of it”  There is still an ache for that sweet boy, but there is what seems to be forwardness and a new normal.

5 Years

Five years ago today I was given a gift like no other.  Along with the sweetest little 8lb baby boy I'd ever seen, I was entrusted with the gift of motherhood.  And man has it taken me for a ride in five short years!?!  Through the highest of joys and the lowest of tragedies it is the most noble job I have had or ever will.  There are days I fail miserably and days I go to sleep with a smile glued to my face.  There are moments each day I beg God for mercy & moments I thank Him for goodness.  It's taught me more than I could fathom and I've got a LONG way to go and lots to learn...

This sweet little stubborn son of mine turning five today came into this world butting heads with me one second and making me cry for joy the next and he hasn't stopped yet.  He refused to enter the world the way we wanted and he's had 'bigger and better' ideas ever since.  It doesn't seem possible that he's FIVE and starting kindergarten this year.  I feel like I just stayed up pacing the floors all night with him in my arms.
 
Ryder has literally SHOVED me through this past year.  I honestly don't know if I'd be standing where I am today if it weren't for him carrying me along.  The love he had for his brother from the moment he knew he existed was contagious.  And his visions & dreams of him now are astounding.  His hope, belief, & trust through this all continue to challenge my faith daily.  And his sweet smile helps me face each new day... and choose thankfulness.

So today as I clean his MANY messes, enter into his passionate heated debates (about something uber important I'm sure), feed his always hungry belly, listen to his constant humming and chatter I will remember how good God is.  I will remember how creative He is.  Because if this little 5 year old boy is just one tiny glimmer of how creative my creator is I'm still in for a journey.

And this year, celebrating this 5th year is just a little bit sweeter.  We've been given a glimpse of how fleeting life is and how much it means to celebrate it.  And I will joyfully wake him up and take him to get donuts, take cupcakes to his class at school, let him play a little extra on the playground with his sister, surprise him with a dinner trip to Chuck E Cheese (with that wretched mouse & bad pizza!), let him stay up a little late, and put together the biggest & baddest Lego party I can.

I will help him with his BIG plans, whether about Legos or how he's gonna change the world...

   

Our Valentines for G

I vowed from the day Gibson died we would find a way to celebrate him & include him in special days.  I've always loved Valentines.  Call it commercial or whatever you want, but a day to celebrate the ones you love?  I'm all about it! :)  So a couple days before we were writing Ryder's valentines for school and he so sweetly asked if he could make one for Baby Gibson.  I smiled, said that was sweet and made sure he understood we couldn't really send it to him.  Then I told the kids I'd think of some way to celebrate Valentines Day with him...

We decided to take them to a park and let them them release red & white balloons for Gibson.  They loved the idea.  They had all kinds of questions about heaven, travel time of balloons and the possibilities of attaching a cookie to the balloons for him as well.  ;) They asked if Gibson could see them, touch them, etc.  All to which we answer, "Well, we're not sure, but he knows you LOVE him!" 

That afternoon each of the kids colored a sweet little heart to attach.  

Paisley's was all purple of course, with a happy little sun in the middle.

When I handed Ryder his heart he said, "Can I make it a broken heart?"  A little caught off guard I said, "Well, yes I guess."  He drew the line down the middle and said, "Because I'm heartbroken about Gibson."  I don't know where he heard that, but of course it melted MY heart.

He wrote out "I LOVE YOU GIBSON" on the other side.

After Daniel came home from work we headed to a nearby park where we've taken family pictures before.  It was a beautiful crisp sunset.  I was worried it would be too emotional for my heart to handle, but like many things with kids the chaos overtakes some of the emotions!  :)  It was a very sweet time though.  

One day back in the fall while I was driving back and forth to the NICU the song 1000 Years came on the radio.  The words pierced my heart.  I pictured hearing it as I took Gibson home one day.  As the months went by I heard it periodically and it still got to me.  Then I heard it the day before Valentines and it had a whole new meaning for me.  A new meaning of how I loved him.  A new meaning of how I love Ryder & Paisley.  A new meaning of how I love Daniel.  A new meaning of how we love in general.  

Heartbeats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I’m afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all it is

I will be brave

I will not let anything take away

What’s standing in front of me

Every breath

Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you

Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you

For a thousand years

I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you 

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

One step closer

Bouncing through grief with a 4 yr old & a trampoline.

Grief is a tricky thing.

It hits at weird, strange, unexpected times.  And it leaves at times when you've completely braced yourself for impact.  When we first lost Gibson I thought it would be easier to walk through this having two little ones at home who would keep us distracted, and won't let us crawl in the covers and never come out.  They keep us moving forward, they keep us entertained and they keep us thankful.  But the more I walk it out I also realize that as a mom that means you just have more peoples' emotions you are responsible for.  More people grieving in their own weird ways and looking to you all along.

When we told the kids Gibson died we made a point to tell them we will continue to talk about him (as much as they want), we will include him in special occasions and in daily thoughts and we will remember him that way.  As HARD as that is day to day I want to choose that.  I don't want them to forget him.  But by choosing this I open myself up to a lot.  Three and four year olds don't see the beauty in a private moment.  As awkward as it is for everyone Ryder abruptly tells that his brother died or is in heaven now, it's exactly what he's supposed to be doing.  We told our family, our friends, and his teachers to expect it and respond like that's perfectly fine, because it is.  We told them to use the word died.  And to talk about heaven.  Ryder's teacher said in the weeks after Gibson's death Ryder made a point to tell all the adults at his school... That Gibson had died & his mommy was very sad.  But that made me happy in a way because he knew.  He could say it (more than many grown-ups could).  He asked me lots of questions in those first few days that I couldn't, or didn't want to answer... about death, about life, about heaven... about why.  I faced them all as best I could, glad that I had a sweet, smart 4 year old capable of asking deep questions.  And in between there were comical questions like, "Isn't it going to hurt to sleep on gold?"  We all looked quizzical for a minute and then realized someone had told him heaven was made of gold... you get the picture.
Many days now Ryder & Paisley bring up Gibson casually- very matter of fact.  And then there are days like the other day in the grocery store when Ryder, upon seeing babies all around, throws himself down in the cart and says, "I wish WE had a baby!"  At that point I wanted to crumble, abandon my full grocery cart and hit the road.  But instead I had the strength {God's grace} to keep pushing, smile and say, "We do have a baby.  He's just in heaven now.  We can still talk about him..."

The kids got this little trampoline for Christmas.  It's a small one person (or two tiny people) capacity thing, complete with poles & netting all around.  At only about 1 foot off the ground its a brilliant way to let a three & four year old get out all their energy.  In there alone they can pretty much get as crazy & rowdy as possible, jump it out and crash.  And they magically bounce back up.  Though we did wait outside for over an hour on Thanksgiving night to get it we should have done that a couple years ago!
This past week we celebrated Daniel's 30th Birthday.  And in the midst of what should be tragic grief we were able to celebrate.  {God's grace}  Sunday at church we sang a new song proclaiming, "Yes, the Lord is good and His love endures.  Yes, the Lord is good forever...."  And I just got this image of God's grace like that trampoline below us.  No matter how hard we fall somedays we somehow bounce back up.  It's ok if I WANT to let myself feel it one day and crash.  Somehow God sends someone along that day to be my trampoline of grace.  To push me back up.  Somehow, beyond expectations we're bouncing along.  Hitting highs & lows and getting right back up, uninjured, moving forward.  {God's grace}

A couple Friday afternoons ago while getting out of the car at Chickifila (of course if you've been to a CFA on a Friday for lunch you'll see the inopportune moment here!) Ryder said, "I just really wish Jesus could heal baby Gibson and then send him BACK to us, because there's so much I didn't get to teach him."  He went on to mumble something about teaching him to walk on a white line.  I think he was looking around the parking lot to think of things he'd have taught G.  I hugged him close, said I understood and felt the same.  Then he said something I hope I don't soon forget.  He said, "I'm just sad."  To which I said, "That's ok."  And then he said, "But I'm not sad all the time, just sometimes now.  Is that ok?"  I smiled (bigger inside than I could manage out) and said, "Me too buddy.  Mommy was sad all the time, but now I'm just sad sometimes.  And that's ok." {God's grace}

New Years Trip to Rosemary

Daniel & I were so lucky to be able to have a time to go away the week of New Years.  Our awesome friends put things together & our AMAZING parents watched the kids all week (croup, virus & stomach bug and all)!  We went to Rosemary Beach, Florida.  It is gorgeous there, and just quiet enough this time of year to relax, reflect and unwind.  We had absolutely nothing planned and no expectations.  We just wanted to be STILL together - something we had not done in so long.  The past 6 months have been constant chaos, planning & going non-stop.  Before Gibson's birth it was doctors appointments, worrying & planning.  And after it was back & forth hospital visits, shuffling kids, worrying & planning.  

When I started this blog I almost titled it "Gibson's Trip," because I felt like this trip was for him and about him.  He never left the hospital, but he will go with us in our hearts many places moving forward.  Right after Gibson died I immediately wanted to go away - obviously that wasn't an option at the moment, but I knew the first thing Daniel & I needed to do was go be together - and alone if that makes any sense at all.  

We also decided we wanted to take the ashes somewhere beautiful and somewhere that we would visit again as a family & reflect on him & his life together. We haven't talked openly about this until now, but I feel like we have been able to be transparent about everything else and many have told us how much it has helped them in various situations.  So we wanted to share about this as well... Our decision to not have a gravesite was based on a desire for healing for our little family.  (Everyone heals differently.)  And until you're in a situation like this you have no idea the decisions you'll have to make and how you'll have to come to those decisions (so quickly).  We didn't want to take our kids to a gravesite every holiday for the rest of our lives.  We do want to strive to find ways to celebrate Gibson in those moments, but not be tied to the earthly reality of death.  And going back to my previous post, we wanted to find the beauty in this and I've clung to Isaiah 61:3 that says, "For them that mourn in Zion, to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of PRAISE for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called TREES of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that HE might be glorified." (KJV) 

With that in mind we chose to scatter the ashes in the ocean at sunset on New Year's Eve.  I got pregnant in January so it seemed only fitting to end the year this way.  Not that it's any sort of closure.  But I feel there was some healing that came with that specific timing for us.

All I can say after that is... God is so good.  Daniel & I both agree that after all of this we don't feel the way "the world" thinks we should feel.  We're not angry, we're not mad at God.  We're not reacting the way some would expect.  (Even the way I MYSELF would expect.)  Please, don't hear me wrong, that's nothing that WE'VE done on our own.  It's only by the grace of God and prayers & support of those around us.  But we really do feel like we can walk this out knowing that God still loves us... maybe even more than we knew before.

Rosemary is a beautiful place.  It was a really great trip.   

 Our place

We did a lot of this...

 

 We rented bikes

 And for some reason thought it was great idea to bike 8 miles to Seaside for lunch.  

It was a long ride back!

 Gibson's Sunset

It was overcast and cloudy that day.  I struggled with it during the day praying for a clear "sunset" for our special moment.  In reality it seemed more fitting that it were slightly overcast and there was no clear "ENDING" to the day.  Just as there is not clear ending to Gibson and his precious life and the ones it is still touching.  

 New Years Eve Night

Our last night

 One last sunrise...

Gibson's memorial & video

Gibson's memorial was amazing.  Being a week after he'd passed we were secretly dreading the day.  We felt as if each day that week we'd gotten a little bit stronger.  I was worried that the emotions of going through the whole day would just knock me down again.  And yes, it was emotional.  But the best way I can describe the day was Beautiful.  Yes, even in the midst of great loss the beautiful love & grace of God abounded.  We were surrounded by those we hold so dear.  They all came together in an unimaginable way.  Our families gathered around and came from far. My dearest friends from Dallas & Nashville were there.  My MOMS club, our parent's friends, Daniel's co-workers, Gibson's nurses & doctors... the list goes on.  

And our amazing church family came together to honor Gibson and his sweet life in the most touching ways.  The service was just perfect.  They went above & beyond what we could hope for.

The night Gibson died the hospital placed a card with a beautiful tree of life on his door.  It spoke to my heart immediately.  I knew I wanted the service to be focused around a tree and Revelations 21:5, "Behold I am making all things new... these words are trustworthy and true."  From there our extremely talented friend Megan came up with the beautiful tree design.  (She will be selling prints soon for those who've asked!)  We knew what songs had spoken to us and our wonderful worship team (who are dear friends) pulled it all together and honored us with their talents.  Morgan & the team at CCC spoke to our hearts and prayed for us and we were all so moved by the sweet time together.

At the end of the day Daniel & I laid in bed and cried, not out of pain, but out of love.  We felt so completely overwhelmed in the very best way.

The tree

 Daniel's sister Sarah painted this gorgeous tree and everyone was asked to fingerprint and sign in that way.  It is so special to us.  

    

I will share more in the days to come about all who have blessed us so much during this time.

For now we wanted to share the video shown at the end of the service.  This is to the song "Beautiful Things" by Gungor.