Friday, December 6, 2013

One year (later)

The weight of this day has been pressing on my soul for months.  Not that this one day means anything in the course of how grief rolls through time.  But it's a day of such clear, deep wounds & bitter memories.  And at the same time it's a day that somehow comes with a sense relief and a breath of fresh air behind it.  We made it a YEAR.... Not only made it through a year of grief, but plowed through it head first, arms raised, seeking joy in the midst of pain in a way that most days I can say I'm more than thankful for - even proud of. 

I can't act like this year hasn't been hard and that I always put on a good front, because it hasn't... & I didn't.  Anyone close to us knows the ups & downs that have come this year as we've tried to move forward.  There have of course been painfully difficult days along the way.  There have been monthly milestones we suffered through, there have been days and days of guilt and suffocating questions.  Many mornings I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come up for air.  YET beyond the pain this year has been washed in (actually flooded in) GRACE.  Such that could not be mistaken as to where it comes from.  He has constantly and graciously pulled us up out of the pit.  And even as we proclaimed a year ago that HE makes all things new.... He does and He is still.  We have been made new this year and I am confident He will continue to renew, even in some of the darkest, hardest days of facing reality- like today.

I did this video {link below} for our women's retreat last month and have wondered if I should share it here.  Despite my rambling it was edited beautifully to share the best of our testimony.  So I can confidently say one year later... We are better than alright.  

Sweet Gibson,
I can't bare the thought that it's been one whole long year since I held you in my arms, felt the beating of your heart close to mine, listened to your tiny breaths & stared into your deep blue wondering eyes.  I swear I can sometimes still smell the distinct sweet scent that I carried on me for 108 days.  Our hearts still ache for you.  Our lives are not complete without you here daily.  I long to sing to you one more time, let your brother pat your head and your sister stare in awe, and your daddy nap with you on his chest.  I still anxiously await the day we meet again.  I have dreamed of all the things your little body has now conquered.  We rejoice with hope that you are happy, healthy & whole, walking & talking with Jesus today.
Happy Homecoming day in heaven our brave little angel.


Krysten Teagarden said...

Ofcourse I'm balling... while my heart is so broken for you...and I can not fathom what you have been through... I can celebrate with you today. You have made it a year. You have shown the enemy that nothing will stop you. You have shown those around you that ALL things are truly possible in Christ.

I will continue to pray for you on your journey...until you see him again.

Amanda Bradley said...

Oh Beth, I just read this post and watched your testimony video, and I am in awe of how God has used a situation that would cause many people to run and turn away from God to bring you all closer to Him. It has been such an inspiration to watch you and your family from afar grow and thrive in faith despite the adversity you all have been up against. I admire too how much you continue to keep Gibson a part of your lives now, knowing you will see him again one day. Hugs and prayers to you,