For some reason I feel closer to you when I'm here.
Not just because we brought your ashes here, but more so because the waves seem to drown out the noise of life.
They wash away the worries and busyness and bring me clearness of mind. I can set my eyes on heaven. On Him - the finisher of my faith. With whom you dwell.
I came here when I was broken. And I feel like this is the place where I began healing.
I walked till I couldn't anymore.
I rode in the rain and my tears and the rain became one.
I sat in silence and let my thoughts and questions as numerous as the stars run wild.
I clung to your daddy and found great peace with him.
I heard the fatherly voice of God promise me I was going to make it... Promise me I could go home and be a mom and a wife and a daughter and a friend again.
Promise me He is good and His love endures.
I miss you as much as the day you left and I celebrate you as much as the first time I laid eyes on you. I see you in everyday life. In the eyes of your new sister. In the sound of her squeal. In your little blonde hair buddies here on earth. In the way your siblings remember you.
I miss you fiercely and work each day to hold on to the memories I have that sometimes seem ancient already. I dusted off your picture on my nightstand the other day and whispered, "I love you," wondering if I should say it more. If my soul needed to utter those words aloud more often to feel the gravity of it all.
I can't believe you are 3 today. How could the 3 months we had together suddenly vanish into 3 years?
Your brother told me last night as we stood in the sand that he was worried because babies couldn't take care of themselves and you'd be in heaven without me to take care of you. I assured him you have the ultimate keeper... holding your hand and heart. And mine as well.
I have this picture in my mind of you running into my arms the day we meet again. Similar to when your brother and sister have been away from me for a bit. They run to my arms with glee and delight. I hold onto hope of that day with you. Until then my little love...
Happy 3rd Birthday.
You are so loved.