Wednesday, August 21, 2013

One Year

Today we will celebrate The Year That Gibson Changed Our Lives.

A year ago today was the most terrifying and yet one of the most joyous days of our lives.  
As we welcomed Gibson into a world that wasn't quite ready for him we chose joy because of the crazy treacherous waters we'd walked through to get there.  At that moment the sight of his tiny sweet face was beyond anything we'd ever experienced before.  
And we were hopeful yet fearful of the days to come.  

This week has been a milestone I've both dreaded and looked forward to.  It's the pain of remembering each detail and the hurt of my heart longing for that sweet one year old baby boy... meanwhile the peace we find in crossing the finish line with this year behind us.  
Nothing will change in a day, but it is another step in the walk of healing.  

I hate to run. I've hated to run since the first time in 5th grade I was forced to run around the asphalt track at florence black elementary.  Then to the beginning of tennis in 8th grade when coach sutton made me run the white lines of the court... it just got worse.  

In January I started running. Confession: I would go in the cold, dark cardio theater at the Y and run and ball my eyes out. One because it hurt; two because it was healing me. For something I'd always hated, I had a strange determination to conquer it, and it was somehow oddly therapeutic.  Like painting... but that's a whole other chapter of my book! ;)

When I started running my c-section area still hurt. With every step I could feel the pain of that precious child I bore; that sweet baby boy that was missing from my womb & my life. But somehow as the pain subsided in running, the daily walk through grief grew easier as well.

Saturday I will {try to!}  run my first 5k - something I swore I'd never do. I've always held to the opinion that running a 'race' was about the dumbest thing a person could willfully do. I go by the ecard that says, "if you see me running you better call the cops..."
But I'm doing this 5k this weekend because it was part of my healing. It was something to work toward... and conquer.  Something to do with friends on the milestone week of G's birthday- friends who've helped me conquer a lot of things I didn't think I could face this year.  

But I did. We did.

Gibson taught us so much about what we could conquer and walk through.  Before the moment he arrived, through the tender moments of the 108 days we had with him, and the many days we've walked through since- about ourselves, each other, those around us and most importantly about God.

Some days I find myself falling into the trap of guilt, of questions, of "what ifs."  But really I wouldn't trade what we went through this year.  As painful as much of it was, it was a journey God had for us and it's made us all a little bit more of who He intended us to be.

As I wrote one of those sentences in the first paragraph today I realized it's even more true now:  We choose JOY because of the treacherous waters we've walked through to get here.  We STILL choose thankfulness because we really truly are thankful for the year God has given us and carried us through.  And for all the people he's placed next to us to pick us up when we couldn't (or didn't want to) keep going.    

How one little baby & his less than 4 month on earth could change a lifetime of 'us' is beyond me, but that's how God's love works.  It's not a measure of time.  I mentioned to someone last week that we were anticipating the milestone of Gibson's Birthday and they very calmly said, "A life is not really truly measured by the time lived."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweet boy. I hope you are having a GLORIOUS heavenly birthday. A party beyond anything this party-planning momma could imagine.

We love you with all our hearts.

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